i guess i just feel a little shaken right now.
my mother sent through a bunch of documents today that i asked for in order for me to hopefully persuade immigration to expediate my aussie citizenship process. these documents are pretty much the paper trail of how i went from being shana lynn kelly to the shana i am today; family rearrangements and name changes, divorce and death certificates, marriage and adoption certificates... ya know, just basic personal administration stuff. over the last 2 years i had finally discovered the question marks that lingered in my childhood. though shady, i had always suspected - but the truth still hurt.
which is why, having already found out the details to what happened, i really wasn't expecting this reaction to the few pieces of paper my mom sent. i opened these average pdf files at work to find hard copies of the legal documents. i needed them for my citizenship fiasco and so i asked for them. no biggie. but then i read them. and reread them. and read them over and over again. i was reading the first few secretive years of what used to be my family's life. in legal script and ticked boxes. stuff i'd been told, but never really acknowledged as real live incidences that had occurred in my life. and there i was holding them in my hands like a dirty fucking weapon.
and then for the first time in my life i laid my eyes on a document that was written and signed by him. evidence that he really did exist in the shadows of my life at one time. how could this taunting peice of paper show a written statement claiming his love for me (something i'm yet to be convinced of - something that never really even mattered or occurred to me) while giving me away and wishing for me a stable life?... and then after the words settled, something broke. such loaded words - i never knew how much history and reality could be packed into Times New Roman. but some kind of emotion or threshold or locked emotional door broke. i don't mean i burst into sobs or fell to the floor in agony or anything dramatic like that. it was just a realization i thought i'd already realized. and i was touching the truth of what happened in physical form. it just made me the most interesting brand of confused and angry.
it made me so fucking angry.
because the next document was the death certificate. and now all i have are three fucking sentences plastered in my memory - "gun wound to the face" and "suicide" and "whom i love dearly". it's no longer just a concept. it's been written down. words have been documented. and now they're just floating around in my head, banging into each other, making even less sense of an already senseless situation.
i don't really know what to make of it. i don't know what to make of the words on those papers that are sitting in front of my eyes right now. like they are mocking my ignorance and rage. there they sit, so silently passive aggressive. i dont know what to make of this person. this real but fictional person. i know that that part i'm past, but i still get confused whenever the universe brings it back into my life. i don't know if i'm hurt or startled or apathetic or angry or if i care or if i'm really, right down at the root of it all, just confused. and if the latter is right, i don't think i'll ever really make sense of it all.
this isn't about him. not really. i honestly don't think i really care enough at this point in my life. it's really about how the physicality of a piece of paper has somehow changed something for me. how these documents just frightened me.
i think it's just a shock to my system to have the legal documentation from the authorities or words that he himself has written...
... maybe that's what made me so sad and angry. maybe this is the closest i've come to communicating with him ever, and that's just simply all too confrontational for me.