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Goodnight Moon

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the power of presence, the power of words. [11 Sep 2006|05:38pm]
it's been awhile since i wrote in this rusty old stack of thoughts and memories. i don't know why i decided to regress and turn back to this inanimate object for solace, but i guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. after all, i've never been really good at coping with much of anything. this seemed to work for a little while.

i guess i just feel a little shaken right now.

my mother sent through a bunch of documents today that i asked for in order for me to hopefully persuade immigration to expediate my aussie citizenship process. these documents are pretty much the paper trail of how i went from being shana lynn kelly to the shana i am today; family rearrangements and name changes, divorce and death certificates, marriage and adoption certificates... ya know, just basic personal administration stuff. over the last 2 years i had finally discovered the question marks that lingered in my childhood. though shady, i had always suspected - but the truth still hurt.

which is why, having already found out the details to what happened, i really wasn't expecting this reaction to the few pieces of paper my mom sent. i opened these average pdf files at work to find hard copies of the legal documents. i needed them for my citizenship fiasco and so i asked for them. no biggie. but then i read them. and reread them. and read them over and over again. i was reading the first few secretive years of what used to be my family's life. in legal script and ticked boxes. stuff i'd been told, but never really acknowledged as real live incidences that had occurred in my life. and there i was holding them in my hands like a dirty fucking weapon.

and then for the first time in my life i laid my eyes on a document that was written and signed by him. evidence that he really did exist in the shadows of my life at one time. how could this taunting peice of paper show a written statement claiming his love for me (something i'm yet to be convinced of - something that never really even mattered or occurred to me) while giving me away and wishing for me a stable life?... and then after the words settled, something broke. such loaded words - i never knew how much history and reality could be packed into Times New Roman. but some kind of emotion or threshold or locked emotional door broke. i don't mean i burst into sobs or fell to the floor in agony or anything dramatic like that. it was just a realization i thought i'd already realized. and i was touching the truth of what happened in physical form. it just made me the most interesting brand of confused and angry.

it made me so fucking angry.

because the next document was the death certificate. and now all i have are three fucking sentences plastered in my memory - "gun wound to the face" and "suicide" and "whom i love dearly". it's no longer just a concept. it's been written down. words have been documented. and now they're just floating around in my head, banging into each other, making even less sense of an already senseless situation.

i don't really know what to make of it. i don't know what to make of the words on those papers that are sitting in front of my eyes right now. like they are mocking my ignorance and rage. there they sit, so silently passive aggressive. i dont know what to make of this person. this real but fictional person. i know that that part i'm past, but i still get confused whenever the universe brings it back into my life. i don't know if i'm hurt or startled or apathetic or angry or if i care or if i'm really, right down at the root of it all, just confused. and if the latter is right, i don't think i'll ever really make sense of it all.

this isn't about him. not really. i honestly don't think i really care enough at this point in my life. it's really about how the physicality of a piece of paper has somehow changed something for me. how these documents just frightened me.

i think it's just a shock to my system to have the legal documentation from the authorities or words that he himself has written...

... maybe that's what made me so sad and angry. maybe this is the closest i've come to communicating with him ever, and that's just simply all too confrontational for me.

word association at work. [11 Jul 2006|04:32pm]
my fingers hurt.
swivel chairs don't really serve a purpose.
if i see or type the words "manufacturing" or "maintenance" on more time, i'm going to punch someone in the face.
wonder what that button does...
fear and loathing in las vegas is a little trip into insanity.
very suitable for my current state of mind..
... get... me... out... of... here...
i want to go to cambodia.
and vietnam.
and india.
and tibet.
i wonder if my voice sounds different to people than it does in my head.
i hope it's not gruff.
i also hope it's not too high.
i hope it sounds the way it does in my head.
i need to call the consulate again.
so weird hearing american accents.
i still don't feel too hot from spinning after eating lunch.
it's a beautiful day outside.
warm and sunny...
or so i've been told.
my office has no windows.
and the door is always closed.
i'm really glad no one is around,
cause whatever i ate gave me gas.
so i really wish i did have a window.
spinning, spinning.
i love office stuff.
especially the adhesive stuff.
cause it's good for organizing,
and i love organizing..
but i wish i had a secretary to do it for me.
i can't believe i've been here for 6 hours already.
i just shot an industrial sized staple into the paper thin wall with a staple gun.
but it's okay because i don't think anyone will notice.
i'm not supposed to have a staple gun up here,
but i liked the shiny exterior,
and had to find out how much power it was packing.
a lot, it turns out.
it almost went through the plasterboard.
that was definitely more fun than my task for the day:
writing a manual on how to use a hole punch.
what type of idiot can't figure it out?
i saw a robot today.
it was red.
the dude operating said it was communicating with me,
but i think he might have been crazy.
i couldn't tell either way
because i was too busy devising a plan to steal the staple gun.
but now that i think about it,
what a bullshit robot;
it couldn't even shoot lasers or fly.
my fingers hurt.

deadline: tomorrow. [04 Jul 2006|02:28am]
i'm an absolute wreck right now.

do i stay? or do i go?

i have come to the first big decision of my adulthood. a decision nobody but me can make. a decision people can't even really help me with. the pros and cons of each situation are completely equal. i can't stomach the thought of losing my boyfriend, he's become such a huge part of my life. hell, he's become such a huge part of who i am. but i feel as though this trip would simply prolong the inevitable. it would only make it harder when i came back eventually and he couldn't come. i'd be in the same spot i'm at now. but on the other hand, what have i got to lose? i have the time and money to go, and i'd get to keep him for 6 more months. and it could be really fun. and who knows where it could go after that. but ultimately i don't actually want to move there. i'd be cheating myself if i stayed. and he can't move here.

but i love him.

but, but, but...

le sigh. [25 May 2006|01:13am]
okay, novel epiphany:
boys are stupid.

and i don't have the fucking energy for any of them.

feeling infinite. [17 Apr 2006|02:29am]
andrew and i just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. i loved it. i really did. i read it years ago and remember not liking it. this time around it was amazing. fuckin' great. i'd completely forgotten everything in it so it was like reading a new book. i think it was good that i read it with someone, too (rather, had it read to by someone... who knew andrew would like reading out loud so much? what a perfect reading partner. the english accent was a bonus.) anyway, it was good that i was reading it with someone because then i had to wait until we both had free time to read. and that made the book last longer. which made it even better because of the anticipation. i'm sad it's over and i don't get to hear what charlie has done over the past few days, and whether he's "participating" or not.

i think it's a good piece of writing when you start referring to fictional character's as though they're real and their world is real. i'll miss charlie and his world.

stagnant. [09 Apr 2006|11:44pm]

blah, blah, blah.

partial redemption. [14 Mar 2006|06:23pm]
"Despite whatever flaws we have and whatever stresses make us fight sometimes, I still love you to the moon and always will. I know you are still trying to figure out what to do with your life but I’ve figured out what I want most in mine, and that is you. I want you and Monkey and Fluffy and a nice TV to watch Monk and Law and Order and a nice car to go on trips with you and a nice wok and knife to cook you dinner and most of all I want you to be there with me, every step of the way. I don’t know if that’s what you want with your life but all I can do is be there for you while you decide. Hopefully, that will be before June 6, or what I want won’t much matter any more."

memo. [14 Mar 2006|01:14am]
today was simply a shitty day.
and i just feel sad,
that's all.

unremotely controlled. [09 Mar 2006|12:51pm]
its my graduation ceremony today.
i don't know what to wear.
and how did it become march already?
where did the last 3 years of my life go?
that's right.
time flies when you're having fun.
and college was an absolutely, mind-bendingly, undoubtably, fucking blast.

i want a rewind button.

[28 Feb 2006|07:21pm]
i'm really tired.
like, really tired.
i've been working my ass off and it's good because it equates to earning rather than spending money.

... but it's tiring.
and the bags under my eyes are horrific.

other than that,
andrew is avoiding me.
and that kind of hurts my heart.

other than that,
my boyfriend is renewing his visa to stay here for another 3 months for me.
and that makes my heart feel a lot better.

other than that,
i'm sitting here loathing myself for waiting for The O.C. to start,
because i honestly hate it,
but am still compelled to watch it
and be annoyed the entire time by the disgraceful plots, characters, and general show.

other than that,
i have to figure out a goal.
an aim of some sort.
i get this horrible feeling that my life is slowly moving neither forward nor backward,
but sideways.
and i'm not sure if that's a good thing,
or if it means i'm just really off-track.

dazed and confused. [19 Jan 2006|03:33am]
... i just smoked pot with my mom and uncle.

i fucking knew this day would come! i guess he brought it with... risky feller. here's the kicker: they invited me to smoke with them.

so my mother, uncle and i all sat outside on the veranda and took hits of the 'doobie'.

hey, that means i've smoked international marijuana. illegally, smuggled in by my 50 year old uncle, Thai marijuana. how exciting.

and so pleasantly bizarre.

morality v. reality. [18 Jan 2006|07:13pm]

prostitution laws rejected

give them fucking zones... it's inevitable, so at least protect the women who are selling their bodies at the demand of the menfolk who'll get away scotch free in the eyes of the law. give them the right to not be prosecuted for an industry that has been operating since forever. if not for anything else, the government is supposed to protect all of its citizens. so fucking do it.

it maybe a scary moral proposition, but fuck that. we're talking law, not morals. and if we're talking political suicide, 80,000 women are doing it. and many, many more men are using their services. evidently, many voters don't seem to mind the idea of prostitution. allow an establishment to ensure their safety. 2 women to a legal brothel? let me repeat: 80,000 recorded women. wouldn't it be more politically viable to allow more women to a brothel so that the number of brothels appears to be smaller?

i just don't get it.

hollywood. [17 Jan 2006|01:05am]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

cute, huh?

random thought #593748: [14 Jan 2006|10:34pm]
hey, remember when it was cool to write "l8r" instead of "later"?
i'm glad that phase is long over.
it always really annoyed me.

talk about a fucking hangover.
last night i got trashed.
had shot after shot of drinks with stupid names.
like "quick fucks" and "slippery nipples".

who comes up with this shit?
it's brilliant.

why not? [12 Jan 2006|02:23pm]
"did someone take the dog's dress off? ... oh, jenn's wearing it."

system overload. [07 Jan 2006|07:35pm]
too much is happening too fast!

i want things to slow down so i can think.
since everything always changes
and nothing really ever goes to plan when you think it's foolproof,
or when you depend on it.

i want to just enjoy myself right now,
and not think about the people or the places or the decisions or the consequences or the future.


but, so goes on life.
with all its chaos and inconsistency and recklessness and
unrelenting momentum.

epiphany. [26 Dec 2005|09:43pm]
the situation with my boyfriend is inexplicable.
i can't even figure out what to think anymore.
maybe i'm falling out of love.
i think its more a matter of disrespect.
we need to reclaim what time has stolen.
this deserves a good go and i have to stop my antics.
as does he.
because if we continue like this for another week,
the only way to go it out.

on a less thought consuming, heart breaking, mind boggling note
christmas was really good.

adaptation. [23 Dec 2005|10:44pm]
on the 10th day of christmas,
my wisdom teeth medication gave to me,
a raging yeast infection,
and a partridge in a pear tree...

so it holds true; i can't survive a fucking holiday season without being ill on christmas day. and let me tell you, living through The Day with an itchy, burning vagina is just about the most ridiculous ailment i've had so far.

fume. [17 Dec 2005|08:03pm]
ugh, why does he always have to be such a fuckin' know-it-all?
why can't he just accept things i believe;
not as truth but as my philosophy.
which he can't change.
why does he have to make it a battle of superior knowledge?
or tell me that what i believe is wrong or not well thought out?
as if he knows better.
it's my fucking "belief"; an opinion.
just let it be.

sometimes he makes me feel stupid,
when i know he's not any smarter than me about certain things.

call me alvin. [17 Dec 2005|12:06pm]

my wisdom teeth have be removed. they were surprisingly not as painful as i thought they'd be yesterday when i got home from the dentists office, but maybe that's because the anesthetic was still in my system. today i'm swollen and they bloody hurt.

in that vein, when i stumbled back into the house, my mom under one arm and my sister under the other since, i was so drugged up, groggy and weak that i thought i could race my sister down the hallway to the couch. i could bearly walk and i wanted to race; was laughing my ass off the whole time. then after i sat down, my mom gave my boyfriend a chocolate muffin and i started going on about how i wanted the muffin and how i was confused that not everyone got a muffin and only him. my mom retells the exchange really well. also i made her move these little snow-people we have sitting on top of the tv because ' i didn't want them staring at me'. i have absolutely no recollection of these conversations, but i do remember looking behind me on the living room table and seeing that forbidden muffin...

so i survived. now i just have to deal with looking like a fucking chipmunk for the next few days and waiting for the stiches to come out so i can eat real food again.

i'm so hungry and sore today. time to pop some painkillers and ice my face some more.

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